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It was the last round of the club championship duplicate, in downtown Los Angeles. The Dude and Walter Sobchak welcomed a familiar pair to their table. East was Smokey, and West was his partner, Leon.
"Hey, nice to see you, man," the Dude greeted his old bowling opponent.
"Same here, Dude," Smokey returned.
They pulled out their cards for the first board of the two-board round. Walter passed as dealer and Leon went into a deep think. The heart suit was too weak for a preempt, and the hand had too little overall strength for an opening bid. After some time, Leon passed.
The Dude passed, and in fourth seat Smokey opened 1♣. Walter, a sound bidder, passed, Leon bid 1♥, the Dude overcalled 2♣ (natural) and Smokey raised to 2♥. Walter made a responsive double and Leon re-raised to 3♥. The Dude pushed in with 3♠ ---- it rated to make ---- passed around to Leon, who thought awhile, though not as long as initially, before driving on to 4♥.
All passed, and the Dude led the ♠10.
Walter raised his eyebrows at the sight of Smokey's dummy, but said nothing.
"What is your length for that double," Leon asked of the Dude.
"Oh, he's showing at least 5-5 in spades and diamonds," the Dude explained. "He's conservative that way. He always has full value, but me, I'd be willing to make that double with . . ."
The Dude trailed off, as Leon pondered the trick. He could not duck it completely, or a diamond shift would most likely ruin him. Then he had an idea. He covered with dummy's jack, to take the Dude off lead, and find out which high spade honor Walter had. When Walter played the king, Leon ducked in his own hand!
For a moment Walter was mildly surprised, but then he shrugged, and switched to the ♣10. Leon brilliantly won the ace, then went back into the tank. For declarer to make this hand, the trump suit would have to come in for no losers. That meant the ♥K would have to drop, or the ♥J pin singleton in Walter's hand. Walter had already shown up with the ♠K, and was heavily favored to have the ♦A and at least one middle diamond honor. He would probably have opened as dealer with the ♥K as well. So Leon needed to play the Dude for the ♥K. Moreover, if it were singleton, that would give the Dude seven clubs, and he probably would have done something nonvulnerable in third seat. So Leon took a deep breath, and led the ♥Q.
The Dude covered, and on dummy's ace, Walter dropped the ♥J! Leon ruffed a club, crossed to dummy's ♥10, and ruffed a third club as Walter showed out. Now Leon cashed the ♠A, ruffed a spade in dummy and then returned to his hand with a club ruff leaving:
Leon led the ♦10, covered by the Dude and dummy and taken by Walter's ace. Walter stared at the table in disbelief, as the light dawned. He would either have to give up a trick to the ♦9 or a ruff-sluff. Before he could make his choice, Leon claimed making four.
"Well played, partner," said Smokey, then turning to his right, "Mark it 420, Dude."
"Um, NO," interrupted Walter, suddenly springing up in his seat. "You opened the bidding after your partner went into a huddle and passed. That's a foul.
"Mark it zero, next deal."
"But---- but, I'm opening anyway!" exclaimed a now stammering Smokey. "I'm opening this hand all day!"
"Bull[BLEEP], Smokey," Walter roared. "Let's look at your hand . . ." He grabbed Smokey's cards from the table. "You've heard of the Rule of 15, haven't you? You have eleven high and two spades. That's a queen short of 15! You don't have an opening bid in any chair, least of all fourth. Mark it zero for a pass-out, please."
The Dude was now more interested in avoiding trouble than anything. "So he fudged a little," he argued. "Can't we just give them credit for good bidding and play, and----"
"Dude, we've been over this before," interrupted Walter. "This is not Vietnam. This is duplicate bridge. There are rules. This game determines who gets to play in the District championship. Am I wrong?"
"You're not wrong, Walter, but----" Now Smokey attempted to take matters into his own hands, reaching for the traveling scoresheet himself.
Walter's face contracted. "You mark that board 420, and you are entering a world of pain. A world of pain."
"But----"
"A WORLD -- of PAIN."
Smokey was scrambling now. "D-do you want me to get th-the director?"
"I've got your director right here," retorted Walter, reaching into his bag and pulling out a .357 caliber glock.
"Has the whole world gone CRAZY?!?!" Walter had jumped to his feet now. "AM I THE ONLY ONE IN HERE WHO GIVES A [BLEEP] ABOUT THE RULES!?!?" Other players were snickering nearby, but fortunately Walter paid no heed to them.
"MARK IT ZERO!" Play had stopped in the entire room now, and the director was reaching for his phone.
Smokey was frozen in terror, and Walter now leveled the glock at him. "MARK IT ZERO. YOU [BLEEEEP] MARK IT ZERO!"
"They're calling the cops, man!" the Dude warned.
Walter had the gun right in Smokey's face now. "YOU THINK I'M [BLEEEEP] AROUND?!?! YOU [BLEEEEP] MARK THAT BOARD ZERO!!!"
Smokey made a panicked grapple at the pencil, which was quivering in his trembling hand, and made a quick motion on the scorecard. "All right, it's [BLEEEEP] zero," he sniveled. "Are you happy, you crazy [BLEEP]?"
"Club championship, Smokey," muttered Walter, in a barely audible voice, as he put his gun back in his bag.
Somehow, they managed to play the other board. Mercifully, it was a flat, no problem 3NT hand. A police siren could be heard approaching in the distance as they put their cards away.
"Let's get out of here," Walter told the Dude, as he lifted up his bag.
They were on their way through the hallway. "You just got us banned from that club for life, man, you idiot," the Dude yelped, but Walter just kept walking.
The Dude tried to slow them down. "Man, you just made a federal case about this, don't you want to at least go back and see if we won the club champ----"
"[BLEEP] it, Dude," grumbled Walter as they got to the back parking lot, and the police siren stopped on the other side of the building. "Let's go bowling."